Heart and Sol

I materialized in a vast expanse of frigid lightlessness.
For ages, I crossed the distance alone, approaching no one,
My frame was impenetrable, formed of solid ice and stone,
Steeled by an eternity spent in comfortless solitude,
Until you came into my view, ablaze in the blankness.
By unimaginable force, I found myself drawn nearer to your glow.
You beckoned to me with unfathomable warmth and light,
And the nearer I became to you, the hotter I began to feel.
Scorched by your intensity, my armor started to vaporize.
The hardest parts of me were cast broken into the nothingness behind.
Recognizing the beauty in all the fragments I was letting go,
You illuminated them so they shone brilliantly.
By a charged wind, my brokenness was gathered together,
And I dashed across the sky feeling seen, and radiant, and free.
You were tremendous and untouchable, but so close,
That I wanted to fall smoldering into your fire and melt.
But I could not stay, because to be with you would have been to perish.
Although you felt so exquisite, and I was pulled toward you,

Momentum sends me ever outward and away.
So I will flee to the farthest edge of the place where you exist,
Forever altered by that torrid encounter in the heavens,
And if time allows, I will return to dance with you again.

Journey

I am
In that land over the rainbow
After walking time and distance
Through the valley of the shadow
Of death
Not my own
But of my own
In blackness I crept
Kneading the night
Feeling for anything but everything.
At last
Hope became a thing
So tiny
So barely there
And upon it I fixed my gaze
Following
Leading
Out of depth
Into galactic light and height
And it grew
Closer
Actual
I reached out my everything
To clutch it
And Hope lifted its head and stared
With unblinking new eyes
Saying
You found me.

T&V

Here's my once every few years blog post. I won't promise I'll start doing this on a regular basis again because I never follow through with it. I'll try.

Some updates on the children:

Thendara waved tonight! It was the cutest thing. I've been trying to teach her to wave for a couple weeks now because we're cramming for her 9 month checkup. According to the Internet, she should be able to clap and wave hello. John was saying good night to her and as I carried her towards her bedroom, she waved! We were so excited that we made her do it a few more times before I put her to bed. It was all squeals and smiles...but not from the baby. :)  Despite my worries that Thendara isn't growing fast enough...she seems to be perfect in every way. She's got a little leg roll on her inner thighs, she's quite smart, she's growing in length and head circumference, she's crawling all over and now, waving! She sleeps all night long without waking to eat too! Yet, she hasn't gained anything (in fact, I think she's lost a few ounces) since 8 months. Perhaps it's because she's become so active. I just don't know! There are some slender and/or petite women on both sides of the family so maybe she's working with those genes.

Vincent is just SO smart! He knows all his uppercase and lowercase letters, the sounds they make, and words that begin with each. He can recite the alphabet (fast or slowly, as you please) but he won't sing it for whatever reason. We've been starting to work on reading and he actually read the words "to" and "cat" the other night! I couldn't be more proud of him. He can count to 30 so far and he loves to count everything he sees! He knows lots of shapes, colors, animals, etc. He's a little sponge and will absorb whatever you teach him. He's speaking very well, with no noticeable impediments. He likes things to sound correct and will stop and restart a sentence to get it right. He's not great at writing letters yet but we are practicing that a bit. No rush - he's only 2. He loves to "run around, climb ladders and go down slides" at the playground and he used the big kid swings the other day for the first time! He swims with a puddle jumper and seems to have no fear! He even went down the waterslide into the pool at a friend's house. As for toys, he's obsessed with anything quintessentially "boy" - trains, cars, planes, etc. Thomas is a big deal in our house. Vincent has a train table and quite the collection of little trains and track. He loves building different tracks with Daddy before bedtime. 

So happy. So thankful for these little people I get to raise. Life is good. :)

My 1st Mother's Day!

You can put this on the list of "Best Days of My Life". Today is a day I thought I might never get to celebrate and yet, here I am, Mommy to a beautiful baby boy. <3

Also, wife to the most amazing husband and Daddy of the same beautiful baby boy. <3

I awoke at 10am  to those two shining faces next to the bed! Vincent was smiling ear to ear and John was holding a tray with my breakfast (cheerios with banana slices cut into hearts)! I also got a homemade card with Vincent's "signature" on it. Vincent had already been fed, changed and dressed! They ran to the store while I enjoyed my breakfast. The plan was to get me a couple of Sunday papers but none of the papers had the right coupon inserts so my smart hubby didn't buy any! Instead, I got a rose and some chocolate. :)

Once we were all ready, we headed out to Pub 99 (at my request) to have my favorite lunch from when I was pregnant - Boneless Buffalo Wings followed by a Garden Salad w/ Ranch and a bowl of Broccoli Cheddar Soup. Vincent was cheerful and charming the entire time. It was so much fun! Also, while we were eating, a friend of mine messaged me to let me know she had a stack of extra coupon inserts for me! Once lunch was over, we went to get those and she got to meet Vincent for the first time! So excited!

I decided I wanted an ice cream, seeing as how I haven't had any in a wicked long time. We drove through DQ and I got a small cherry dipped twist. John got a cherry dipped chocolate and the best part was we got a "sweet deal" and only paid $3 total for the both of them!

After all that, we went to visit John's Mommy, Vincent's Grandma. Vincent brought her a card and a bouquet of peach tulips! We spent a while there with her, Vincent's Grandpa and Uncle David too! Vincent had some carrots...

...and played with Grandma's big elephant (he was pretty excited)...

...and then we put him on the floor and he was rolling all over the place! He almost rolled right into the kitchen! I tried to catch it on video but when I turned on the camera, he stopped rolling. I'm sure I'll catch it soon. We had some dinner, said good night and came home. 

Vincent's just gone to bed. He had a bath and his bottle, snuggled with me a little and then went to Snoozetown! I'm now enjoying some time with my hubby, catching up on SNL and Game of Thrones. I have thoroughly enjoyed this day and look forward to celebrating every Mother's Day for the rest of my life! This beautiful boy is MY son. I had a definite moment today where it hit me that I am his MOM. He will look to me in all the same ways I looked to my own mother for comfort, protection, love and lots of fun! I am so happy beyond measure! What a privilege. Happy Mother's Day, indeed. :)

Out & Proud

He isn't a mistake. He isn't a bad decision. 

He's our perfect, beautiful, miracle baby.

Our perfect, beautiful, miracle IVF baby.

For a long time I was worried to admit that to everyone. I feared we might be judged and made to feel bad about our decision.

It wasn't easy. It takes an emotional and physical toll on the body that I never anticipated. I've been through it twice now. The first time ended so badly that I wasn't sure I would ever go through with it again. Can you imagine how happy I am now that I did? Maybe someday, I'll write a blog detailing the process. The shots, appointments, testing, surgical procedures...I'd do it a million times over for the blessing it brings.

When my son grows up, he will know how he got here and he will know that we are NOT ASHAMED of it. He is beautiful, his existence is beautiful - a blessing beyond all measure. He is meant to be here. He has a place and a purpose on this planet and in our lives. 

So there. We're out of the closet. Out & Proud, as they say (but not like that). :)

I want to thank all of you who supported us with love through our journey. It was a wonderful time in our lives! And, to those of you who are going through the same thing, past, present or future, we wish you all the miracles you can handle!

<3

Wonderstruck with awe

I am sitting here awestruck.

I am a mother.

If you only knew how long I wanted this. If you only knew how all the odds were stacked against us. He is a miracle. A fighter. A conqueror. A Vincent. :)

When I was young, I would say that I was never going to have children simply because of the pain of childbirth. How childish. Then, I was in a relationship with a psycho lunatic and it just made me even surer that I never wanted to have children. Thank goodness I didn't back then! In 2001, when I met John, it all changed. I instantly, instinctively knew he was "The One". I knew he would be my husband and the father of my children.

And what a lucky woman am I. I can't even begin to form a string of words that will adequately convey how much I love him and what an outstanding example of a MAN he is. I know I'm not always an easy woman to be with but you'd never know it. In over 10 years, he's never said a bad word about or to me. Never lost his temper. He's always been so supportive, even on my craziest days. He's been the only one who could calm my racing mind, my stampeding heart and all my fears. And now, to see him as a father is wonderful. Love you, Sweetie. <3

You think it's going to be easy. You think you'll be just like everyone else. You think you'll just get married, wait a while and have kids whenever you're ready. It'll just happen right? Not always.

The journey to this beautiful boy brought me from hope to the absolute depths of despair to pure, light, sunshiny joy!

Hope.
Fear.
Depression.
Despair.
Hope.
Joy.
Devastation.
Anxiety/Fear/Worry/Stress/Depression.
Hope.
Joy.
Elation.

He's here. He made it against the odds. He was the strongest. He is perfect!

I have yet to fully understand why, just why did it have to be so hard? And, why is our beloved Calvin not with us, John, Vincent and me. He's a missing piece and I miss him.

Looking forward - I can't wait to spend the rest of my life watching Vincent grow and learn. Hopefully, he won't be our only child but one can never know what the future holds.

<3

Bits

I really have nothing to blog about but I really want to write something so I hope for your sakes that this post becomes interesting.

Yesterday, John and I went to the Ikea store in Stoughton, MA to poke around and maybe find a shelf to house my stockpile. No luck there, although we did find a couple of $8 side tables to go in the bedroom! Vincent was with my mom, so we stayed up until 2am cleaning and organizing the bedroom. I was able to clear an entire shelf that we're going to use for the stockpile and John put together our new tables. Even though we stayed up late, we still got a great night's sleep without the little one here. :)

We are now contemplating getting some new Ikea furniture for the living room. Specifically, a coffee table and tv stand. I can't wait to go back and look around!

This post is boring.

Goal for this week - paint something. I'm going to dig the acrylics and some canvas out tomorrow and see if I can find some time to mash them together into something. Been thinking about getting back to painting for a while. Have not had time. Obvious reasons.

I love my son. There is absolutely nothing better in the world than when I catch him looking at me and the second I look back or say something, he has a HUGE smile! He loves me and I love him sooooo much! Things were so hard for me in the beginning. I most definitely had PPD (I'll post about that some other time) and was stressed beyond my stretching point, but not quite to my breaking point! Mothering is hard work. Mothering is amazing.

Tried the "Eat to Live" diet - not for me. I think there are some great tips in there but I honestly don't think it is the best diet. It seems way to restrictive and it doesn't seem healthy to eliminate entire food groups, see also - Atkins. We've gone 95% vegan for now, with the occasional salmon or some other such. So far, we're losing weight at a nice clip. We're eating WAY more fruits and veggies than we ever have. Had a fabulous pizza today at Lake Pizza in Webster. Veggie on a wheat crust, no cheese, spinach, artichoke, tomato, olive, onion, red pepper, garlic, broccoli. Mmm!

Drove by Cranston Print in Webster today and it's 3 things - a clock tower, a smokestack and a pile of rubble what used to be a building. I didn't grow up in Webster so it's not really sad for me but it is weird. I don't like it when things change. I still feel weird driving by the 20/146/90 interchange and not seeing Millbury Amusement there!

Finally got my brother-in-law David's new cd today. I'm obviously biased, as I've been listening to him (grow and evolve) for years now, but I have to say it's heart-breakingly, breathtakingly beautiful. It's definitely his best work yet. Job well done, Kid. ;)

John has been working on a job site in Middleboro, MA (Ocean Spray factory where they make Craisins). It's quite a drive for him, so we might go down and stay in a hotel with him for a couple nights...him staying alone is not an option because families don't belong apart. <3 It should be fun. I've already looked into where the stores are (CVS, Walgreens, Rite Aid, Target, Walmart) so I am ready for couponing on the road! Ha!

And now it's time for bed. A sweet little smiling boy will be giving me a wake up call in about 8 hours. I need to be rested and ready to tackle a day of bottles, baby food, diapers and playing! Remind me again how I got so lucky?