Why am I so insaaaane?!?
Over the past year, I have become one serious hypochondriac. At different points, I have convinced myself that I probably had a heart attach, lymphoma, breast cancer, lung cancer and leukemia. The only thing I can trace it all back to is this annoying pain in my left shoulder which I now know is caused by having terrible posture sitting at a desk 40 hours a week. Still, for some reason, I go looking up symptoms of diseases and diagnose myself with them. Even if I only have one or two symptoms like 'nausea' and 'tiredness'. These are things that everyone feels every once in a while, yet to me, it means I have a disease. I see things on tv or read on the Internet about different diseases and think I'm going to get them. Also, if I hear about someone falling ill, I immediately wonder if I have the same thing they have and if not - I think I'm going to get it.
I recently was told about a woman who had a sore back, went to the ER, they found cancer and she has 10 days to live. To me, that means a sore back = 10 days to live and so I panic. I think, my shoulder is sore, does that mean I have 10 days to live. No, your shoulder has been sore for a year now and you know why, dummy.
I try so hard to just tell myself I'm being irrational (which I am - I am healthy, I come from two very healthy families in which the worst thing to happen was a 40-something year old aunt getting breast cancer and dying which only happened because she got pregnant and refused any kind of treatment which gave the cancer 9 months to run free in her body and by the time she had my cousin it was too late...other than that my family is healthy...all my grandparents are still alive and the two ailing ones smoked their whole lives.) but it hardly works. I let myself get all in a panic about things...I get nauseous, break out in a cold sweat, can't think about anything. It's the worst when it happens at work because I can't focus on anything and I freak out.
So far, the best medicine for my paranoia has been to talk to people, mainly my husband. I don't know how to explain the effect he has on me. It's like nothing in the world matters, good or bad, when I talk to him or when I'm with him. I call him and tell him how I think I'm dying this week and he's nothing but patient and strong and rational and I feel complete calm when I talk to him. He is magic. Of course, once I hang up the panic comes back...just not as strong. I try to talk to a few friends at work and they have been helpful in helping me regain my sanity. Usually, the attacks last anywhere from a half-hour to a couple hours and I usually experience aftershocks later in the day that are usually brief.
The Bible tells me (and I know from experience) that Jesus' grace is sufficient for me and that His strength is made perfect in weakness. When I am weak, then I am strong. He also said, "Why are ye fearful, o ye of little faith?". This tells me that when I fear, I have let my faith become weak and allowed my thoughts to be corrupted. I truly believe it's a demonic affliction. Satan is trying to make me doubt God and put fear in my heart.
I've been an anxious, worrisome person for far too long and I'm putting an end to it. I'm refusing to let the panic take over me. I'm overcoming my fears, I'm getting on a plane (which is a huge step for me because I am petrified to fly), I'm going to be tough and not worry all the time that I'm going to get an illness and die. If it happens, it happens. Jesus knows my path and He loves me and died for me and whatever lies ahead for me is His will and that gives me peace and joy. I'm done living in fear.
In other news...we're going to New York tomorrow! We're going primarily to help Theresa get her stuff out of storage but I'm also going to be taking a TON of pictures! Look for them soon 
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