~When the winds of change blow cold~

It had to happen sometime.

This past Thursday, my Nana was diagnosed with lung cancer and given 6-12 months. This is not completely unexpected, as she's had a spot on one of her lungs for 4-5 years now that has just been hanging out not doing much. She has also been a smoker for something like 65 years. We all knew that one of these years, it would turn into something bad. She had some routine bloodwork on Tuesday, was called back in Wednesday for a transfusion because she was extremely anemic, had more bloodwork and some scans done and finally given the diagnosis Thursday evening.

My Nana has told my mother that she is grateful to have raised two beautiful daughters and to have spent so much time with my cousin Matt, my brother and me while we were growing up. She has also been married for somewhere around 55 years. She said she is not afraid to die and that her life is in the Lord's hands. The one thing causing her heartache and leaving things "incomplete" is that she hasn't spoken to or seen her son in over 20 years. She also has a grandson who she hasn't seen since he was very young. He is a month older than I am and I vaguely remember seeing him once when I was somewhere around 4 or 5 years old. My mother promised my Nana that she would make sure my uncle knew what was going on. He's been contacted through my cousin and now we are just waiting to see what happens. I understand why he left and why he's stayed away...there is some dark family history here. I pray he finds it in his heart to forgive even a little, and grant his mother's dying wish to talk to him once before she goes.

I have nothing at all bad to say about my Nana. She has always been wonderful to me and I am better for having had her in my life. She's the quintessential grandmother - she loves me more unconditionally than anyone except maybe my mother, she is sweet and kind and generous and she makes the MOST delicious apricot squares on the holidays (among other deliciousness). This year, I'll eat those squares a bit slower...

I am really petrified to see her on Thanksgiving. I feel like I won't know what to say or how to act. I don't want to greet her with a hug and then lose it in front of her. I have no idea how she's going to act, but I am hopeful that she will be happy and enjoy herself. My mom and aunt told me she is "spunky as ever" and she told the doc, "I'm not going anywhere right now. I've got baking to do for Thanksgiving and nothing's keeping me down!" They tell me she's completely genuine and maintains that she is at peace with her fate and is not afraid to die. There are really only two possibilities - denial or faith. Let it be faith.

I just don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye. I don't know if I ever will be.