I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

I am crazy.

There are times, days, when I am consumed with anxiety and fear. I honestly don't know what the hell happened to me. I used to be so...normal. I was happy and I enjoyed my life and I never worried about what-ifs, ever. It's been going on for a year now and I am SO sick of it. When it first began, I took the fears seriously, I fed into them, I had doctors check me out, I had many tests. The result of it all? I was fine, they couldn't find a thing wrong with me. Now, when I have fears, I just get pissed, like I wish they would just stop now, I am just tired from it, mentally.

It's not general anxiety, it's got one main focus and that is fear of illness and/or death. Any little ache or pain I get, I start thinking of all the worst possible things it could mean. Any slight mark on my body is skin cancer, any pain in my head is an aneurysm, any pain in my leg is a blood clot, any pain in my stomach is one of many different cancers, if my leg falls asleep it's circulatory problems, if I twitch, it's Parkinson's. Google is not my friend in these times. If I look up symptoms and find that whatever I am feeling is one of many symptoms for a particular ailment, I will convince myself I have the others! Sometimes it lasts throughout the day and really, it dominates my thoughts to the point where I have a hard time concentrating on anything else or enjoying my life. Things that normally make me happy (music, books, movies, etc.) have no effect.

Then, when the fear passes and I realize how ridiculous I've been, I get depressed because I feel like I should be able to control my own mind and when I am in that moment, I have thoughts about whether I even want to live like this. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT suicidal and I would never take my life. It's just the feeling of, "is this really worth it?".

Through everything, John has been a constant, strong presence. He is always telling me everything is going to be fine and he is the only thing in the world that can comfort me when I am feeling anxious or panic. Worry breeds worry - I worry that I am making his life miserable by being so distraught.

I am a basket case.